I placed my son for adoption at birth, almost five years ago. Since then, I have married and had another son who is almost one. During my second pregnancy, I had the need to read every book on parenting that had ever been written and to subscribe to many parenting magazines. My husband and I took every class we could find - parenting classes, newborn care, breast feeding, sibling issues - you name it we took it. I'm sure many parents take similar classes, but I felt that I had to take these classes or else....

Back then, I didn't know why I felt this need. But after reading Birthmothers; Women Who Have Relinquished Babies for Adoption Tell Their Stories, a book by Merry Bloch Jones about birth mothers and their stories of relinquishment, I understood. The book forced me to look at my life in a different light. One section in particular struck me with shock. I was so amazed at the similarities with my life story, I could have sworn that the author was talking about me. It was about motherhood and the need to be perfect. Reading it, I realized that I, like the mother in the book, had to be sure I was going to be the perfect mother. I still have that need.

Since I work in the area of adoption, most of the people I come into contact with daily are aware that I am a birth mother. At work, when I'm talking to people on the phone, I wonder in the back of my mind what they must think about me, what assumptions and judgments are they making because they know that I am a birth mother. Do they think I'm a bad person because I "gave my baby away"? Do they wonder if I am a recovering drug addict, or an irresponsible teenager who didn't have enough sense not to get pregnant in first place? Maybe I should just start out my conversations by answering these questions, even though no one asked them!

But then again, that wouldn't make sense. So I do the next best thing I can: I present myself as confident, knowledgeable, and I try to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. When I am conducting workshops or conferences, I always make sure to let people know that I am married and I am parenting an infant son. Somehow this makes me feel better. It's like I'm gaining acceptance as a person. In society's eyes, marriage is acceptable; relinquishing a child is not. According to that "common wisdom," adopted people are the victims, adoptive parents are the saviors, and birth parents are irresponsible people who can't parent the children they birth. These are some harsh assumptions. Many of those who read this may not holds these views, but many people who have had no adoption education certainly do.

At home, I am the perfect mother - or at least I try to be. I am also the perfect wife and perfect hostess. Many times, I go out of my way to make things happen exactly as they should. My husband tries to point these things out in a diplomatic manner, but these are evidence of my need to feel accepted. If I do more than I have to, there is no room for mistakes. My need to take precise control over every aspect of my life sometimes feels obsessive. I have a hard time leaving my son at daycare, not just because of the common fears about daycare but because I have special reasons to hate leaving him. Once a week, my husband and I force ourselves to go out without our son. This is more difficult than it sounds; each time, I replay the day I left the hospital without my first son.

In my personal life, many people with whom I come into contact, including a substantial number of my family and friends, have no idea I am a birth parent. I choose to keep it a secret because I can't go through 'judgment day' every day. I don't want to go through my story again and again, explaining why I relinquished my son. When I recently told a friend that I had placed my son for adoption, she was obviously shocked. Telling her even that small bit of information drained me. Her first words were, "I could never do that." I couldn't respond to her statement. I shut down, and it was obvious to her that I did not want to talk about it anymore. So instead I began talking about the Gymboree class we had just left and about how wonderfully our children play together.

Many birth mothers probably have such experiences; I am sure I am not alone. Coming to terms with relinquishment is a life-long journey with new obstacles for us to face each day. Life presents birth parents with constant reminders - some negative, some positive - of the relinquishment. Many birth parents never have other children and never marry; many have secondary infertility. It is seldom the case that a birth parent can walk away from an adoption with no lingering legacies. But despite these reminders, challenges and difficult resolutions, I feel positive that I, along with other birth parents, can make our lives work in a way that is comfortable.

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