Pact, An Adoption Alliance - Personal Profiles

Personal Profiles

Being A Mommy
by Marta S. Barton

Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of getting married and having children. Back then, my dolls were my babies. I named them, promising that I would someday give my children the same names. It seemed to be such a simple and painless way of life. But I'm not sure it's as simple as it seemed. And I'm positive that life is not painless.

On April 27, 1991, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world. I placed that beautiful baby for adoption; he now lives with his adoptive family. Two years later, I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. This is the beginning of my childhood dream of getting married and becoming a mommy.

Now that marriage and family are quickly becoming actual parts of my life, I am faced with the possibility of having another child. Will this be my second child or will it be my first? Searching for a place in my life for this new child has proved to be a seriously difficult issue. What will I tell my first child (with whom I have contact) when he sees his sibling remaining in his or her birth family? Will he truly understand why I chose not to parent him? What position will he hold in my heart and in his birth family after there is another child? Being resented by my firstborn child is my greatest fear. In my heart and mind I have a strong loyalty to him. This loyalty is so strong that I often have feelings of guilt when I think about the joys of parenting another baby.

Being a mommy is a position I would die for. But do I deserve to have that most honorable title? Birth mother - this is my current title. I will hold this title forever; it pleases me to know that thanks to the evolution of the adoption process, I can be acknowledged as such.

I had thought it would be so simple: getting pregnant, giving birth, and the reward - being a mommy. But the thought of being pregnant again sends chills through my body. The fear of not being able to give my second everything he/she is entitled to is something that I cope with every day. What if I can't provide the love and stability my child needs?

I suppose every new parent shares these concerns. But I'm different. I once had the chance to prove to myself that I was capable of providing a child with these things, and I chose not to. Before I become pregnant again, I need to feel certain that I will not deprive my child of the love he/she so deserves.

Will I ever feel entitled to become a parent?

For a long time I believed I was the only person suffering these anxieties. I was afraid that if I revealed my feelings, people would immediately assume I regretted the adoption. But making the adoption plan for my son was no mistake, and I do not have any regrets. I used to believe that these feelings were punishment for "giving my baby away." But by finally opening up to friends, family, and other birth parents, I have discovered that I am not alone and I am not being punished by anyone. Even my son's adoptive parents have supported me.

I know that I will be able to overcome the obstacles I'm facing. I am positive that I'm fully capable of being a wonderful parent. And I look forward to that special day when I can officially be "mommy."