It's significant that I have not insisted on my right to meet my birth father's four children - my half-brothers and half-sisters. He does not want me to be a part of his life, and I find my desire to connect with these siblings frozen by his resistance. This is significant because it is a sign that a part of me is still numb, still unwilling to believe in my complete right to know and be known by my entire birth families. It's easier to slough this off, ignore it, than to admit that this exclusion causes pain. Denial is sometimes preferable... at least for a while.

Is it because I've had the opportunity to meet my birth mother's seven children that I have not pressed to be allowed to meet my other siblings? I have seven - why should I need to have more? Is my hesitation due to the face that I know reunions have an enormous impact on the extended family? Or am I just afraid to push, to risk my birth father's complete rejection?

I have defended my choice not to intrude in his life. I fear the unknown, and worry that forcing my needs could be disastrous for him or his family. I think I worry less about hurting him than I do about hurting his wife. She does not know about me. How do I contact their children without possibly hurting her?

Yet...there are four people on this planet whom I would like to meet, at least once. They are my half-sisters and half-brothers. I wonder if they would be interested in meeting me if they know of my existence. If they are in any way like my other siblings, such a reunion might be welcomed. To never meet or know of each other would be, for me, a loss.

It was much easier for me to meet and embrace brothers and sisters than it was for me to meet my birth parents. The issues of divided loyalty weren't there. We are conditioned to feel that we can have only one mother and father, but one can have any number of brothers and sisters. Most adopted people feel "permission" to allow birth siblings into their life, to consider them brothers and sisters. Our society endorses this.

Because of this "permission," when I met my seven brothers and sisters it was a moment of pure joy to me. I felt like I was returning to the pack, to my tribe. I felt connected. I felt love.

Immediately I regressed, suddenly wanting to play with them. Dining at an elegant restaurant that first night together, I initiated a food flight. Part of me needed to act out that fantasy of having grown up with this large family.

Of course, the reunion was not simple or easy for everyone involved. With seven siblings, invariably there were those who felt left out. It took time to process our individual feelings and to learn how to express them. We were raised in different families. We have different rules for communication. It took time to know each other.

Three years ago I had the opportunity to take my brother Mike to my hometown, to the street where I grew up, to the house where I spent my first twenty years. I had not been inside the house in fifteen years, but the people who now own it graciously let us in to visit. As we walked through the rooms, I told stories about things that had happened within those walls.

This was a powerful moment for me. I was bringing my brother "home." I was connecting him to my past. Later, we walked down the road to the creek where I used to play. Sliding down the sandy slope, suddenly we were exploring the thickets like children, floating sticks in the water, digging our toes in the beach. It is easy being together. It is like family.

It's moments like this that make me regret not meeting my other siblings. I feel my connections to my birth mother's children are profound and important. I know all of them will become more and more important to me with the passage of time. Experiences will draw us closer together. We will grow old together.

Maybe it's because of my birth mother's family that I feel I cannot let go of my desire to meet my birth father's. Although part of me is afraid to reach out to them, another part of me feels it is awakening to the strong desire to complete the circle. Until I meet all my brothers and sisters, will I ever feel totally complete?

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