The Goldthwaite family lives in Mill Valley in a woodsy sort of "tree house" perched on a steep slope. There are at least 300 steps from the street to the front door. The windows and doors are invariably flung open to the trees, the view of Mount Tam, and Susan's gardens. Outside space is as much a part of the house as inside.

Coming home always feels like an event. It's after school and Gabe is struggling up the front stairs, arms laden with very important ten-year-old-boy stuff, blonde hair sticking to his sweaty forehead and a friend who's never been over before trudging up the steps behind him.

"My Gabeeeey... my Gabeeeey," Lila bellows as Gabe reaches the front porch; she runs to greet him, holding her baby arms out to him like he's just come home from the war.

"Lila!" Gabe answers, grabbing her up, his stuff dropping helter- skelter everywhere.

Gabe's friend stands back, quiet in surprise. Big brother and little sister hug each other tight, grinning and giggling.

"Is that your sister?" the boy finally asks. "She's Black!"

"Yeah," Gabe says proudly. "Let's go!"

Background

When Gabriel was born, Susan almost died in childbirth; she and Noel were told she could not sustain another difficult birth. Noel is a doctor and Susan a nurse, but after their baby came, they decided that what mattered most was to spend as much time as they could with their child. Susan's career as an operating room nurse was put on hold so she could stay home with Gabe full-time and Noel began to put his family's best interests first when making professional decisions, a continually challenging task for a busy surgeon. With Gabe, life was stimulating and their time with the baby a treasure. As he grew, and Susan and Noel began to imagine his having a sibling, they began to consider how they might expand their family.

Susan begins. "Initially I was thinking, gee, we really are geared toward raising children. This is our mission in life. One thing follows another. It was always a dream for me to adopt a child of another race - I've been drawn all my life to African American culture." She frowned and went on in a concerned tone. "I hope saying that doesn't make it seem like I'm stereotyping an entire group of people; it was just something in me, from when I was a child. So, I knew there were more kids of color than White kids who needed a family, but I was hesitant about adopting transracially because of the unknown. Raising someone else's child is such a big responsibility, especially so when the child is of another race. But now, all I am sure of is that I would do anything for Lila. I don't get how it happens. Parents just fall in love with their kids."

"Susan has an adopted brother and had always wanted to adopt," Noel added, "and we didn't want another pregnancy. I knew she was thinking about adopting transracially but I was hesitant. Susan is part Native American, but she should have been born Black, she's always been so interested in the culture. After meeting with Pact and taking a deeper look at the issues, I was hooked. I guess I decided that challenge is what life's about and that we should go for it. I remember, about a year or so after we adopted Lila, talking with one of my patients who was asking me about why we adopted a child of a different race. I said the decision was a right-brain decision; the left brain justifies it afterwards."

Q. Describe the moment when you first felt you were Lila's parents.

A. Susan replies, "Lila was born in Miami. I flew out there first and Noel and Gabe came a few days later. Adopting seemed more threatening, exciting, and complicated than giving birth. When I went to the agency and they opened the door, I was sweating bullets about being on time and living up to their expectations. The foster mother was standing there holding Lila and she just opened her arms and plopped the baby in my arms. The rush was so strong I thought I was going to faint. I was overwhelmed, nervous, scared...afraid I was being looked at under a microscope. My hopes were high but I was struggling with the reality that Lila could be reclaimed or that the agency would decide they didn't like me. Then she wouldn't take her bottle when I gave it to her, and I thought she didn't like me or that I was inadequate to meet her needs."

Noel continues, "Susan was certain that any moment she was going to be found unworthy and that the whole thing was going to fall through. By the time I met Lila, in the airport, decked out in her Italian sailor dress in this huge Cadillac kind of perambulator, the situation seemed surreal. I was most worried about how Gabriel would react. He was fine, but I was in a daze.

"Feeling she was 100% mine didn't happen until she called me daddy, when she ran into my arms. I think I felt she was mine when she let me know that she believed I was hers."

Susan adds, "In my mind, attachment was a drawn-out metamorphosis. I felt like I didn't deserve her. I felt as if I had stolen something, got away with something. Then you told me 'when you start picking up her signals, the you will know you are her mother.' I started to know what her faces meant, what her cues meant, how to care for her as her mother - every day I felt more secure."

Q. How do you think Lila has changed Gabe's life?

A. Noel: "I think it's made Gabe more worldly and broadened his group. It's made him understand the ways in which people are all the same."

Susan: "Lila and I go to pick him and the carpool kids up from school and I hear children asking, 'Is that your sister?' I feel our family is working because of the way Gabe is obviously proud to be her brother and obviously loves her. I can see it only as a positive experience for him, although he would like it if I'd treat him like a two-year-old (like Lila) now and then."

Noel: "The age difference between them seems to be positive. It makes him less competitive with her for our attention. Overall, he's understanding of things Lila does, he enjoys her. When Lila made her first picture, Gabe jumped right up, put her name on it and hung it in the center of the bulletin board."

Susan: "So many of his friends seem jealous that they don't have a princess Lila at their house. She's got a great personality. A lot of kids are drawn to her. Lots of times when Gabe's friends come over they want to spend some of their time playing with Lila."

Q. What are the things you are doing to support Lila in developing a positive racial identity?

A. Susan: "We already had all the friends we needed and had trouble keeping up with them but I've learned we can't just sit on our rear ends raising Lila. We have to do as much as we can to make her life work for her, things we would not need to think about with another White child. If having friends and mentors of her own race is important, I have to make it happen, so I went into the action mode.

"First I found Katy, a friend in her same age range, also adopted by White parents. I was in the market and a fellow stopped me to tell me how cute Lila was and to tell me he knew somebody who had just adopted an African American baby. I gave him my phone number and told him to go back home and have the family call us right away. He did, and Katy's mother Ann called me. It turned out we had a lot in common besides our kids. They are also involved in medical care and interested in computers, like us. I realized I could not let this opportunity go by and made arrangements to get together right away. Our daughters love each other. I hope they will be soul mates for life, that as Lila gets older she will have Katy to share her experiences with because they have similar life circumstances.

"Yesterday, in Gabe's carpool, a Japanese woman told me the story of her separation from her son's father and how miserable she was. I told her what I tell myself every morning. 'You have to take the initiative. What you need is not going to come and knock on your door. You have to go outside your comfort zone.'"

Noel: "As soon as Susan thinks she has a possible contact to make Lila's future brighter, that person is trapped. I've noticed also that race and adoption come up as topics often with patients and people I work with. It gives us something to explore we never would have had in common. I find myself able to communicate in a way I never imagined before and find myself more interested in developing relationships with people of color."

Susan: "I decided I would put together a group of mothers with children Lila's age for a play time that would meet once a week at my house. Ann and Katy were in, but I knew I had to find Black parents. I began running around approaching African American women with children . I figured that in the back of their minds they must have been thinking, 'What does she think she's doing?' But you've got to put the energy out. I was worried that these women would be judgmental about me for adopting and about if my house was clean enough.

"Nevertheless, it's what I did. It started with Anita. I bumped into her at a shopping center with her child. I already knew her because she is a professional story teller who tells African American stories for children and I am a groupie of hers. I've always admired her. In fact, she told stories once at one of Gabe's birthday parties. For some reason, she was willing to become part of the group. She said to me, 'I don't want to be your mentor...I just want to be your friend.' Then, through a friend, I met another Black woman. She's very East Coast: witty, smart and she has a son three and a half or four. She acted more than happy to come over-I was just shocked.

"I found Tangy from another woman I pulled off the street. Her friend told me she had two young kids and had been looking for a group to go to with her kids, so I called her and she joined in too. We get together and let the kids play and the mothers do whatever. Sometimes it's talk about being a mom, about adoption, about how to do hair or skin products. Last time, Anita brought all the fixings and made southern French toast for all of us. Sometimes it's kind of difficult to keep the group going, but I think it benefits everybody and I'm not going to let it die. I believe there are parents willing to work on goals and objectives to help the child they love so much have a life that works best, and I believe I can find them. I'm brainwashed enough to feel that having contact with and being connected to other Black people is the only thing that will work for Lila - so I feel I have no choice but to put my embarrassment and fear of rejection aside, and go on."

Q. Okay, how are you doing with Lila's hair?

A. "I found a woman from Nigeria named Lulu who has a hair shop on Turk Street in San Francisco and she has this amazing technique called 'sister locks' that are all natural, no extensions or anything. When she makes them she looks like she's crocheting the air. Lila and I have spent many hours in Lulu's parlor." Susan laughs. "It's like entering another dimension to go there. To people in the community, the beauty shop is the community. Here I am entering their community with their daughter. It's been really rewarding but I've had to find some courage in myself to seek it out. This is the fifth hair place I've taken Lila to, but finally it feels like home.

"We have a relationship. Lulu calls me Miss Susan and she gave me a strand of incredible African beads. I gave her a little cassette player. Last time we were there, the phone rang and she said, excuse me, Sister Nellie needs a prayer and when God calls you, don't be busy. Then she prayed for Sister Nellie over the phone for about an hour while Lila and I sat and looked at each other. We were just hanging, like everybody else. Other people in the shop have been really neat to us. I asked Lulu, when we leave the shop do the other women say, 'what is that woman doing with that child?' and she said, 'No! We know you love that baby. We are thrilled for Lila. We see how she's being cared for. It's obvious she couldn't be happier.' Those words made me so happy, I can't tell you."

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