By the time I got home from the preschool parents' meeting on choosing a school. I had all my familiar obsessive armor on: "We have to start looking now.... There are only so many slots.... One mother talked about having a calendar just to coordinate school tours...." By the time we went to the kindergarten 'faire' where there were 50 or so schools and at least 50 million parents, I knew I had to figure out how to deal with this.

It took me two weeks to make the first call, but once I did it was easy. The first school tour is sort of a blur. I came home and realized all I'd asked about was how my daughter could get in, how many others applied, what kind of scholarships were available.... When my daughter asked me what I had done that day, I told her I was looking at schools that she might like for next year. She was full of questions, not one of which resembled any of mine. What would she do there? Do they have dancing? Would she have friends there? Do they have a tire swing? One thing about parenting Ñ if you weren't humble before, you get humble fast.

I have learned a lot from my pilgrimage to the schools. I understand a lot better what questions I care about and what will make for a good education for my daughter. And I understand a lot more about the schools themselves. I have seen the art work where each is a carbon copy of the other. I have learned to hear when a teacher is interrupted by a child and to notice who comes first: parent or child. Mostly, I have learned to observe, and I have found that I can visualize what my daughter would like and what she wouldn't, where she would fit and where not.

Don't ask me this question on the day that we all get the letters of admittance or rejection, because probably then you will find the obsessive sleepless me, but I feel somewhat relieved that I finally took the plunge and looked at schools. It has forced me to look anew at my children and their unique points of view. It has also built my own confidence. I can tell which schools would be good for my children and our family and which would not. I believe it now when I tell my daughter that we are evaluating schools, not just being evaluated by them.

First school experience:

Very often, kindergarten is children's first significant foray out into the world without parents. For transracially or transethnically adopted children, school is the first place where they must answer questions about the nature of their family and understand "who they are" in the context of the color of their skin without their parents available to supply answers for them. School can be a rich environment for these children to learn racial and cultural cues when they interact with other children who are the same race and/or ethnicity as they. Three basic questions can help you identify central issues concerning you and your children:

• What does your child want in school? The first step in choosing a school is to decide what is most important to and for your child. Make a list of the things he or she considers important. If you aren't certain, it's a great time to sit down and find out. What an esteem- and pride-builder for your children to understand their own responsibility in determining their future. After the list is completed, select the five most important items.

• School is the place where we learn to think as well as engage in reading, writing and arithmetic. We learn to interact socially in a larger context than our families or close friends, who may think in ways familiar to us. It can be a place where we are introduced to new challenges, competition and cooperation, different values and diversity, self-expression and exploration, and rules and expectations.

• What do you value most in a school for your child? Make a list for yourself. Write down everything you think is important and then go back and choose the five things you consider most essential.

• What are the life goals you have for your children? This list should consider your children's needs not just in the context of school but when they are on their own. What skills and abilities do you hope they will be comfortable with?

These three lists may have some very different priorities and goals. If so, this is a wonderful opportunity to reassess and think about this first school experience in terms of life goals for your child, your children's wishes and your academic expectations.

We all succeed in environments where we belong or where there is something we want and desire to acquire. One of the most common things we hear from young transracially-adopted people is their desire for friends or siblings who are "brown like me" or share "eyes that look like mine." This tells us something important about our children's need to fit in and feel comfortable.

Should race or diversity of the school be the overriding factor in which school I choose for my child? Every child is an individual and all factors must be weighed. It is essential, however, to count race and diversity among the very important factors when considering a school environment. Transracially-adopted people are particularly susceptible to feeling uncomfortable because of their "differentness." Adoptive parents need to look for a school where difference is valued and where opportunities for comfort exist. At the same time, in a race-conscious society children of color are in particular need of a good educational grounding to counteract some of the stereotyping and bias they are sure to experience in the future. Parents must ask themselves if children who graduate from a given school come away with the skills they need. They must also notice which children do well in a particular school's setting, noting especially the school's record with children of the same race as your child. One school that may very well serve one child can be all wrong for another.

What if there is only one school? If there is only one choice, you should still visit and interview to understand what that school is about. If it is a school that you see will present certain difficulties for your child, then begin talking with the administration and teachers right away regarding what can be done to find ways to address the problems. If it is a public school, faculty and staff have a legal obligation to meet the needs of all their children. Don't feel you are asking for too much. What you want will probably serve many other kids in your child's school. If it is a private school, then your tuition payment gives you the right to ask the school to look at your child's needs and make accommodations.

What if I am home-schooling my child? Schools are often the main social-network for children and families during their growing up years. The decision to home-school can sometimes take away opportunities to make essential racial connections for transracially-adopted people if adoptive parents do not have or create strong relationships with adults who share their child's race. For transracially-adopted people, this is a lost opportunity to have access, in a relatively safe environment, to other children (and their parents) and teachers who are the same race as they are. Parents need to ask themselves: How will I replace these potential independent relationships that my child would be able to foster in a school setting? Yes, there will be influences or treatment at school that parents may not be comfortable with, but remember, those can also become opportunities to educate your children in your family values and understand your child's racial experience in the world. Transracially-adopted people are expected by the world to "know how to act their race." To give them opportunities to manage those expectations and to find a community for themselves as they grow is our goal as parents. If you are home-schooling, hopefully you can connect with other home-schoolers of color so that your child does not find themselves racially or ethnically isolated. Be sure they can create connections not only to other children who look like them but other adults. Remember, for children, education isn't just about learning history, math and reading, it is also about learning how to manage and succeed in the social milieu in a way that will serve them as they become adults.

You can do this. Remember, no one knows your child better than you. Watch, listen, pay attention and you will find the best solution for each of your children. Don't take for granted that what you always imagined for your children will necessarily be what's best for your transracially-adopted child. Yours is a family built on difference, commitment and choice. Make it work for all of you.

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