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Peer Issues for Teens of Color

Question
I am the white parent of an African-American 15-year-old boy attending high school. He desperately wishes to fit in with the African American contingent there. Unfortunately, the ones he wants to fit in with are not academically motivated students -- in other words, it's not cool to be smart. Therefore, he does not put a lot of effort into his schoolwork. Next year he is enrolled in a rigorous program (academic choice) and I would like to find a young African American male who could work with him after school as mentor/tutor/homework advisor. How do I start?

Answer
This question raises the issue of how your son's view of himself as a young African American man coincides with your expectation that he be a successful student. For a transracially adopted Black boy, who is likely to be highly sensitive to charges of "acting white", choosing friends, classes and extracurricular activities in high school can be a field of landmines.

There has been research done showing that often African American kids - especially boys - see kids who achieve academic success as putting themselves outside of the Black main stream; in other words, getting A's will draw the charge of "acting white." But there has also been research that shows that that attitude is not nearly as prevalent in the Black community as the stereotype would suggest. Many African American parents who share your aspirations for their sons are battling the unrelentingly negative media portrayal of and societal attitudes about what it is to be a Black man. Their struggle is created by the fact that this portrayal does not hold up "studiousness" as a characteristic of Black men.

If your son has not been exposed to a wide cross-section of the African American community in his daily life - including Black men who succeeded in school -- his idea of what it means to be Black likely comes from these limited stereotypes. He may well be choosing friends who act like it's not cool to study hard because he sees those friends as "real" African Americans.

Finding a young African American man as a tutor for your son could be a help. You can start with the school district itself, and then branch out into other places such as local colleges and universities, African American professional/community groups (100 Black Men or the Urban League are examples), and African American fraternities and churches that have community outreach projects. But beware that if, indeed, your son's choice of friends is based on a limited view of what it means to be Black, he might just see his tutor as someone else who's "not really Black." How many other African American boys are there in the "academic choice" program he's going to start next year? If there are only a few, that could reinforce his misconceptions about academic achievement for African Americans. He needs a connection to African American peers who value academic success.

You might try looking for and getting your son connected to organizations that have college prep programs for African American teens. Maybe a trip on one of the Historically Black Colleges and Universities tours would be of interest to him. Connect with organizations like A Better Chance, whose mission is to help high school students of color see themselves as college bound and connect to other students with the same aspirations. Rather than trying to influence who his friends are (something that's going to meet with stiff resistance), you can focus on helping him get prepared for college in a context where he's doing that with other African American kids. The added benefit is that you can forge a connection with other parents of African American teens who are college bound and network about the challenges you all face in raising your children.

A Cautionary Tale
Don't Wait To Make Connections To People of Your Child's Racial/Ethnic Group
Those of you who are transracial adoptive parents with children who are still young, take note! If you don't already have strong connections to people who share your child's culture - not just one or two adults, but community connections - start building them now, so you won't be faced with the daunting task of trying to forge them while your child is a teen and making choices that you may be uncomfortable with. We at Pact have developed a new program to help you do this. It's called "Building Community Across Cultures," and is an individualized program in which you work one-on-one with Pact staff to assess and implement a plan to strengthen your connections to the people who make up the community of your child's birth culture. We will help you actually do what you have wanted and meant to do - create connections that can give your family strength in facing a teenage identity crisis. Contact us at Pact for more information.

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