Pact, An Adoption Alliance - Talking to Birth Parents

Talking to Birth Parents

Before you pick up the phone:

When the stakes are highest, choosing whom to trust is tough. In that first phone call, everyone is scared. Whether birth parent or potential adoptive parent, the possible feelings are the same: fear of rejection; shame, embarrassment, reluctance, or anger about their situation; hope that you are the right one; unrealistic hope that you will solve all the problems in their life; uncertainty about whether they can trust you; fear of being hurt. If you can help one another feel more comfortable, you'll feel more comfortable yourself.

Breaking the ice:

First remind yourself that if this match isn't right, a more appropriate one will emerge. Take a deep breath. Then remind yourself again that if this match isn't right, a more appropriate one will come along. Think of this call as mutual exploration, not as a desperate attempt to get someone to like you. No matter what develops, you're getting a great opportunity to practice . Your job is to keep an open mind.

Begin by telling how you're feeling. "Hi, Mary, this is Sandy. Are you as scared as I am right now? Well, maybe I can tell you a little bit about myself. I'll be glad to answer any questions...."

Are you still breathing? Pay attention to the sound of your own voice. Tone, pauses, and silences replace body language and eye contact when you're getting to know someone over the phone. If you sound impatient or hurried, the other person will feel judged and diminished. In situations of stress, we all want to feel the other person is warm and sincere. Try to create comfort by mentioning things you already know you have in common. If she loves animals, talk about your pet. If you've seen the same movie, talk about that. Listen for feelings. Does your counterpart sound worried? upset? Putting someone at ease and listening to what's said between the lines are skills we use every day. Take your time. Give her time to say whatever she wants to. Check to make sure you understand what is being meant.

Asking about what matters:

Try asking gentle questions until you can get a full picture of the other speaker's situation. Explain why you want to know. Be sure your questions are relevant. Find a way to ask a question about the unspoken agenda, the question that will let you know what the person is hoping for. Here are some questions you might consider asking: How long have you been thinking about adoption? Do you know anyone who has been part of an adoption? How supportive are your family and friends? Who is the person whose opinion matters most to you? What do they think? What are you concerned about? Timing---what else is going on in your life right now? Have you spoken to other (birth parents or families) before? What worked? What didn't? What do you want to happen?

Directing the call/attentive listening:

To prioritize needs and clarify values, ask open-ended questions
To focus the call, ask "What is important to you? You said this; can you tell me more about what you mean? We've been talking about a lot of different things; could you pick the most important one to you and tell me more about it?
Point out themes: "I noticed several times you've said.... What does that mean to you?"
Ask for clarification: "Let's get back to... that you said before" or "I'm confused, let me try to repeat what I think you're saying," or "I lost you there. I'm not sure I get what you mean. Could you give me an example?"
Reach consensus: To check your perceptions and accuracy, summarize your understanding of the person's goals.
Offer validation: Express support for the person's feelings even if they don't match yours. We all have a right to our own feelings.

Ending the call:

Make sure the person feels satisfied with the current state. "How do you feel about this so far? Is there anything else you'd like to know? Have I answered all your questions?"
If you feel positive about the conversation, ask for permission to talk again; agree on a time and determine which one of you will place the next call. "Would it be okay if I call again next Wed.? What time is best for you?"
If you do not want to go forward, acknowledge with the other person the difficulty of the decisions to be made. Let him or her know that Pact will be waiting to hear from all of you.